Psyreviews uncovers plan to execute “one out of every three sodding” DJ’s

Posted in Comedy by - April 29, 2006

Psyreviews uncovers plan to execute “one out of every three sodding” DJ’s

 

The Worldwide Fund For The Protection Of Cruelty To Psytrance DJs was up in arms last night over the leaking of a document from the Trance Police detailing plans to execute a third of DJs.

 

The Worldwide Fund’s spokeshippy, Moonstone Ponsonby-Smythe, called the plans an “outrage”. “These plans are an outrage,” he said.

 

The leaked document is understood to have come from the Trance Police’s highest (33rd Degree) order, which does not include anyone from Psyreviews but which might include several people from Tip. The 33rd Degree order is the subject of many crackpot trip-addled conspiracy ‘theories’ and codwank ramblings, which allege that it throws veggieburgers at effigies of drum n’ bass legend DJ Hype, shut each others’ dicks in the doors of moving trains on Sunday mornings, and sacrifice virgin vinyl copies of Rock Bitch Mafia by trimming them with a hacksaw so they can fit into the front of a CDJ1000.

 

The first part of the memo leaked to Moonstone’s organisation reads:

“ERROR. Too many fucking DJS!!! Cannot get gig despite huge vinyl collection in dad’s garage and old hotrocked Return To The Source jumper. Reckon we’re owed something. Has anyone still got their technics?”

 

 

Following this memo, a meeting is understood to have taken place. “A meeting is understood to have taken place,” said Ponsonby-Smythe.

 

“It appears they planned to kidnap every single psytrance DJ in the world who has been playing for less than three years,” Moonstone continued. “This would be coordinated over one weekend where all the ‘proper’ DJs would then be able to get gigs. That weekend, all venues would ring promoters out of the blue to explain that the CDJs were gone, and all DJs had to play off technics – something they only said because they had a gun to their temple.”

 

“All the DJs were then to be ceremonially stripped of their Case Logics and forced to stand behind two Technics turntables. They would be given two old 12”s on Psychic Deli, and told that if they couldn’t mix one to the other they would be executed to death.”

 

The Worldwide Fund For The Protection Of Cruelty To Psytrance DJs has stepped in and can ensure the world’s DJs that no such mass-execution will take place.

 

Moonstone Ponsonby-Smythe reassured “while there is a plan to execute every third DJ randomly, there are no plans for any kind of test. CD DJs are safe.”

This post was written by psyreviews