Death For Progressive DJ Who Didn’t Play Freq

Posted in Comedy by - April 29, 2006
Death For Progressive DJ Who Didn’t Play Freq
 
A mother lights a candle, a single tear rolling down her cheek. A father looks at the floor, silently incredulous at the cruel randomness of life. And a sister, strong and sullied, has the look on her face that asked the question we all did this week: why the fuck didnt that idiot play Dreambody.
 
Darren "Dazzaaaa" White was 22 and was born in Sydney, Australia. He was described variously as a "caner", a "fuckwit who was shit at pretty much everything", and "a cunt that really knew his records."
 
He was booked to play Progressive Inclination 01, a new prog trance night in the city centre. Appearing alongside local and international progressive DJs and live acts including Sublime Frequency, Rotten S. Cumbag and Surfing Soularse Molecular Fractal Etc Wank Wank Wank, it was a decent sized gig.
 
Taking the decks from 2am to 4am, Dazzaaaa is understood to have opened up with some Beat Bizarre, some Phony Orphants and, according to Surfing Soul Molecular Fractal Etc Wank Wank Wank, "something off the Prisoners Of The Sun album, that he’d only just had in from SaikoSounds."
 
"The set progressed pretty well," continued Surfing Soularse Molecular Fractal Etc Wank Wank Wank. "He brought it up nicely, with some great peaks and floaty, soft melodies here and there — but he always kept it on the right side of cheese."
 
According to reports, at about 5:30am, you could feel the tension start to rise. "He’d played for ninety minutes and hadn’t played any Freq," said Ben Collister, the night’s promoter who asked not to be named. "I remember checking my watch and thinking, ‘well he must be about to drop one of the remixes off Set 6′ which I thought was pretty stylish." He is then understood to have played something off the Jaia album, followed by something on PsyBooty. When the last track came on — "one of the fucking many fucking remixes of Beckers’ fucking Switch," according to Collister — the place erutped, but in a bad way.  
 
When the crowd realised there wasn’t going to be anything off Set 6, nor off Carbon Based Lifeforms, nor off anything else that Aran’s done, they kicked off bigstyle: first beer bottles were thrown. Then cigarette butts. Then bits of decor. And then: fruit.
 
"The amount of fruit flying in that place was insane. I was terrified," said an anonymous female partygoer with nice tits. "There were bananas, tomatoes, apples, watermelons – everything."
 
"The sheer weight and volume of fruit was too much for the poor cunt", said Sydney’s Chief of Police Mr Simon Posford.
 
"We hope this will be a lesson to DJs everywhere: don’t ever push the envelope."
 
"Give the crowd exactly what they want. Never deviate, never lead, always follow."
This post was written by psyreviews